| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|09:25 pm] |
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I'm crazy and drunk with my husband and mother. I am crazy, I might add. Insane, I think. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|04:19 pm] |
I am married. My mother and fiancee devised a masterful plan to have him catch me right after waking to inform me I was being dragged to the courthouse to be hitched. I complied, of course, and prepared myself for day that was surprisingly painless.
We registered at Target first to psyche ourselves up (or at least it did the trick for me), then took a trip to downtown Oklahoma City in search of the court house. When we did find it, we were given a ten minute counseling session (the only purpose of this was to reduce the price of our marriage license by 45 dollars) by an elderly minister with a nervous tic. Throughout the entire session, which mostly consisted of the old man talking about the most important parts of any marriage, which are "communication" and "compromise," he periodically picked his nose and shifted his gaze down to a worn out bible sitting on his desk. Oh yeah, and, as we were married, we basked in the glow of an entire display case full of Coca-Cola memorabilia and wooden horsies. The reception was at the Subway across the street, where we were served sandwiches by a Subway worker with prison tattoos.
I picked Hunter up at Daniel's parents' house because Daniel got sick once we were home. Hunter and I went to my parents house to have pizza and play with the hairless rat, Phoebe. To celebrate, Daniel and I drank a bottle of Cook's champagne, played legos with Hunter, and then started watching a movie called "Sideways," during which I fell asleep, of course.
I am a married woman and I am happy.
P.S. Disregard the last post. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|11:53 am] |
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I think I am going through something comparable to a midlife crisis at age 20. I have never felt so rootless and empty in my entire life. I do not know myself. I do not let others know me, apparently. I have few friends left and a fiancee who hasn't seen the "real" me, which I may not even know. I want to be good and honest and to feel okay. |
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| El Fantasma |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|07:58 pm] |
I skipped work today because Daniel and I started a really great conversation just as I was about to get ready to leave. Part of the subject matter inspired me to write a poem, in Spanish, of course, as most of my poetry has been written lately. Of course the poem loses a great deal of its grace in translation from Spanish to English, but I will provide a translation for my non-Spanish speaking readers.
El Fantasma
El fantasma me hace llorar-
Estoy siempre consada con el recuerdo.
Me frustran los filósofos y todas las cosas
vacías, solas.
Todo el cerebro, las dendritas, lóbulos,
sangre calentada, la alma pasada...
les colgan todas con este hueco.
Pero, ahora (horita), soy libre
de esta pena pesada, pero
solamente para la tolerencia
del amor, del tiempo,
y todas las cosas del aire,
del gran rescate.
( The Ghost ) |
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| POETRY |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|01:23 pm] |
It Is Black and White
it is black
and
it is white
it is dark
and
it is light
it is blood
and
it is dust
it is shivering steel
and
it is rust
it is life
and
it is death
it is nothing
and
it is all we have left.
In a Running Car, Darkly Within
Now I am to marry
for a gentle reason
Season after season
I hope to regain those very few years
like a scar
spanning some hidden surface of skin.
In a running car, darkly within,
Now I am more careful with the pen.
I fear the words I form
out of shadow and subtle light.
Night growing out of night-
Very soon children
will ask about the vast
and empty colors of the past,
but better they never cast
joyless questions
to the empty, echoing earth.
-November 18
You Are a Well
Deep and endless well,
Never do I wish to reach
the bottom, the end.
Sound Does Not Travel in a Vacuum
Dead night's cold vacuum
Darkened yard or silent room-
sleep is a still tomb. |
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| boredness...and Carl Jung says: |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|11:10 am] |
Introverted (I) 54.55% Extroverted (E) 45.45%
Intuitive (N) 64.86% Sensing (S) 35.14%
Feeling (F) 81.82% Thinking (T) 18.18%
Perceiving (P) 55.26% Judging (J) 44.74%
| Global Personality Test Results | Stability (36%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (63%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.
| Take Free Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com
I think and have pretty much always thought I might have the tendency to go crazy sometimes. I also have and have always had the tendency to try to wipe the slate clean, so to speak, in hopes of restoring myself back to a new beginning, which doesn't really mean anything at all. I thought it would be better to bear my sometimes uncontrollable, seemingly suffocating pain alone. But all I did in trying to is cause worry and frustration to someone I really love and to my family. I think I want to try going to some kind of therapy, whether it is a talking face behind a desk or a new hobby...I need to figure things out or let them figure themselves out.
My mother wrote me a letter this morning telling me she had the same worries about being married at such a young age, but she put all her trust and faith in the marriage and trusted my dad would be a good keeper of all the things she believed and loved. I think this makes more sense to me than it did before. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|02:55 pm] |
TENTATIVE PLAN:
-get married
-get my degree
-get a real job because I want to be home in the evenings!
-go to Mexico and/or Spain and/or South America for an immersion trip
-write more
-get a bachelor's degree
-get a master's degree
-go back to church or find out why i haven't been going
robotasaurus: HEY!
robotasaurus: i heard something about you.
Senorita Lyndsie: hey
Senorita Lyndsie: what did you hear
robotasaurus: that you are gay
Senorita Lyndsie: that im'ma gettin married?
Senorita Lyndsie: haha
robotasaurus: and getting married
robotasaurus: yeah
Senorita Lyndsie: getting married yeah
Senorita Lyndsie: not gay
robotasaurus: i know
robotasaurus: i mean t that you are gay b/c you are getting married
robotasaurus: who is it?
Senorita Lyndsie: his name is daniel
Senorita Lyndsie: he is hawt
Senorita Lyndsie: he is mine
robotasaurus: when?
Senorita Lyndsie: all the time
robotasaurus: i mean married
Senorita Lyndsie: haha i know ass
Senorita Lyndsie: june 11th |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|05:39 pm] |
A translation of the last post (an unfinished poem) because it is 5:38 PM and I have two hours and twenty minutes more of sitting at this desk people-watching for seven dollars an hour:
I desire doubt to flee as a dove;
The simple sadness of children fascinates me,
but mine is too heavy to bear
Like Neruda, I want to pee facing the ocean...
I desire to escape sensible shoes
and the weight of no innocence.
When I came to Beauty, I saw
all of the sadness of mankind
in dark glass, in dark water. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|03:09 pm] |
Deseo que la duda vuelva como una paloma;
Me fascina la tristeza simple de los niños,
pero la mia es demasiado pesada para llevar
Como El Neruda, quiero orinar en frente el mar...
Deseo escaparme de los zapatos sensibles
y la carga de nunca inocencia.
Cuando iba a la Belleza, veia
toda la triztesa de la humanidad
en cristal oscuro, en agua oscuro. |
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| Fitzcarraldo |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|07:52 pm] |
Clinging for human comfort
against a world myself
In a world obscene
and full of asphyxiation
and fornication
I love it against my better judgment
through the transparent
eyelids ink, film, paint running:
This is all we can do
to articulate ourselves
to our existence
or else be condemned
as cows in the field.
-11-8-2005 |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|12:42 pm] |
SO, I REALLY LOVE BARN OWLS! <3
 |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|06:56 pm] |
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I just want to do what is "right" in any case...whatever "right" means. It's so hard to know, though. Do I go by feelings? By will? By rules? By whatever? I do not want continual confusion to the point where I don't even feel in control of myself anymore. I remember being so insecure I just clammed up when someone would ask me about what I wanted. No one deserves to live with me when I am like that. I just want stillness and no more questions... asjkadslkhjasdoij. Enough. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|02:46 pm] |
I am skipping class tonight to go trick-or-treating with Daniel and Hunter. Last night my mom and brother came over for dinner and stayed for some time. Daniel cooked some amazing chicken with a chipolte sauce and garlic bread. After my mother left, Daniel, Chris, and I watched the Simpsons and Mr. Show and spent the evening shooting the breeze, so to speak. The past month or so has been filled with glorious evenings of hanging out with friends and family and...shooting the breeze. We have slowly been adding details to the wedding via my mother, who has taken this wedding as her own pet project. We even have personalized candy favors and scrolls for guests. We found the thousand dollar dress I wanted for 250 dollars on ebay, but someone placed a bid higher than my mother's bid. She is enraged. Ha.
A strange sadness sometimes hits me after waking from dream, or when looking at objects that serve as reminders of the past. The feelings seem too sorrowful to bear at times, but I have done my best not to let them overwhelm what is good now. "I go through these feelings every once in a while. I know it is pointless but there is nothing I can do but let myself mourn when the feeling strikes." I now fully know the truth of this statement.
Solitude
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all,—
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox |
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| IN CASE THE BIRD FLU KILLS US ALL... |
[Oct. 19th, 2005|04:44 pm] |
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In case the bird flu kills us all, everyone I have ever passionately or platonically loved, I meant it with every atom of my being. My god, did I mean it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|01:01 pm] |
Ay vida mia!
no solo el fuego entre nosotros arde,
sino toda la vida,
la simple historia,
el simple amor
de una mujer y un hombre
parecidos a todos.
Ah my life!
it is not only the fire
that burns between us,
but all of life,
the simple story,
the simple love
of a woman and a man
like everyone.
-Pablo Neruda
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| Livejournal...lives? |
[Oct. 11th, 2005|04:48 pm] |
Yes, so, okay, livejournal lives. I have had it so long I cannot rid myself of it. It's like some diseases...it just sticks around forever without a cure. Well, it is also a way for me to keep in touch with my friends, most of whom have livejournals. And now that I will be a busy wife before I know it (haha, yeah, I know...), this may be one of the only ways to keep in touch with me.
Lately I have been a little down about what I am doing with my life outside of being engaged and in love. My interest and grades in school are increasingly withering, which, if furthered, will eventually lead to me having to spend much more time in school than I should. As it is, my parents want me to finish my two-year degree by the end of next semester, which is not going to happen. My scholarship runs out after next semester, so after that I will only be able to afford maybe two classes a semester. I wouldn't mind this at all, but I can't keep working only 15 hours a week giving tours and helping people enroll at the college if I want to pay a car payment, help Daniel with things around the house, and still have enough money to do things (go out every so often with friend, etc...). So, I will need to find a better job before I get my degree, which just fills me with dread. The possibility of failing usually does. What it comes down to is insecurity on my part about being able to obtain a better job and keep it, and this crazy inability to muster interest in and passion for a job for any extended period of time. Part of me wants a patron saint of the arts that realizes I am a mad genius of creativity and the written word, and wants to adopt me and give me a monthly allowance of...say....two grand? Ha, yeah right.
Off to film studies class now. Look forward to more posts on the mad beauty of mundane living, my struggle to become a sane, normal human being (whatever that means), and my attempts at living and thriving with one leg (for a further explanation, please enquire). |
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